Of Other Things

My punishment comes in the form of my undisciplined heart. It aches and your memory is too easily remembered. I was once thankless and now I'm left in debt. My smile forms then disappears and it's all because I'm not the girl I never appreciated being. And I wonder, I always have. Time passes, pauses, leaves me wishing yesterday was lived in with less risk. I watch other peoples beauty no longer marvelling at my own. I never did, but I had the capacity too. My waste is felt inside my lined stomach. It twists with my ill mixes of fat and starchy crabs and I keep thinking my life was sweeter in Miami eating jello for supper.
My family cares too much and I am thinking of them too little.
This is 1am and I can't believe I'm still lonely and almost thirty. Sitting in my house writing two bit thoughts to myself. I need to get rid of your smile and the way you look at me.
I like watching you love me. Your love is tangible to me. I feel it surround me and it's comfort level is terrifying. So is 1am and this writing ringing in my head.
Your voice is so easy to hate. It's softness stills me, but once calmed I forever hate the place you have taken me to.
Our scenery is not familiar to me.
So here we are, you and me and all our words.
I want to spin you in circles and when you are dizzy, I want to leave you.
I will feel like myself.
And you can give all your energy to a better project.
Tonight.
I left gasping for air.
My mouth a perfect oval, gasping for a breath of someone Else's fresh air.
Not yours.
You would give me yours,
But I would say, "no thank you"
Because in every offer, lies the ability for me to turn around.
and around.
In circles of "no" till I back, so the HELL far back-
no one knows,
I ever came so close.
Waving flags of friendships and back bent with promises of forever.