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Its the silence I write in that fits me best.
It's quiet, and I am loud.
I imagine it fits me well..
this silence.

It is so tight and so constricting.
So silent and so frightening.

That sometimes when there are 0 comments,
and I know I am eternally unheard of...
I take a shower,
and run the water boiling hot.

...and then I scream.

I imagine the silence is good for you too.

Perfect

Perfect.

She asks the smartest questions and doubts our answers.

She is that smart.

Who buried Paroah when he didnt drown in the red sea?

When he was sent back to egypt, who went with him?

She wonders.

When the redemption comes will we still give birth to babies?

And will people die?

She asks innocently how my grandmother survived my aunt?

"Did she visit her in the hospital?" She wanted to know.

And then she dreams in nightmares,

that only my own dark mind can understand.

We paint our dreams the same shades of black,

and I smile when she asks to say a prayer for sweet dreams.

You are my smartest weapon.

My greatest gift.

My truest love,

my first chance at motherhood,

and my smile...

I miss you painfully when you are at school.

I think of you always,

I see your face smiling at me,

mirroring mine...

and I love you endlessly.

I hope you had a great day at school today.

I prayed for it.

unresponsive and happy

You are happy.
I find myself trying to fit in somewhere amidst your happiness.
But, I'm too darn noticeable.

I pin you and you read my pins,
and you don't respond.
send. read. respond.
That never happens.
I send. you read.
no one responds.

You are happy.
And I find myself happy for you and lost for me.
Losing 30 pounds in one week and then eating Hershey's chocolates to
counteract weight loss and feeling lost.

Where are you? When you could be right here?
When I have folded back the covers for you,
and sent out all my pins?
And waited the wait of the restless woman,
because it's never getting any shorter or easier.

You work like mad. You toil, I toss.
You turn, I'm turning.
We just never seem to be in the same place at the same time.

You left me at home,
bound by my recent Cesarean.
Feeling lonely for you.

And watching your happiness prelude us.
I am so happy for you.
Because that's how I love you.
Unconditionally,
even when your love for me,
is unresponsive.