Cycle 2: Have To Spin

What goes around comes around and I am obese again. I fill my plate with sadness and swallow hard. I find ways to calm myself and it all reminds of yesterday. Yesterday was lived in with too much regret. Today I walk only to my car and drink coffee, like it is my juice. Yesterday I ran km's after km's and chased back green drinks with cycle spins. I was smiling then because I was feeling happy. It built itself up in me. Like veggies tend to grow on you, when you blend them into good morning drinks. Now I am no longer smiling. I have gained myself right back to my starting weight and all my plans of yesterday sound like laughter. The type that echo in your ears and follow you through your days.

I am being followed now. By my yesterdays. They creep up on me when I am driving around my neighbourhood. When I am driving through the streets I used to run on. When I turn my head and see an old friend running. When I want to smile and wave and instead I drive away. I drive in shame. My guilt keeps me eating. It fuels the rage that won't let me tie up my shoes and run.

I have a million excuses. First my back pain, then my children- when really they and all the excuses in between are begging me to lace up and run. To cycle and spin. To enter my calories in my journal and mix leafy greens.

I am willing to be better. I am wanting to be free. I am hoping that tomorrow is lived in with more patience than today. That I am a better mother and friend. That I will be a better wife and daughter. And I know that in every relationship I fail at, lies my addiction to food. The one relationship I feed on and off.

Today I decided to write. It's been awhile and my head is full of thoughts. But, I am hungry from eating well today, so my words are minced. I can not tell it like it is.

I ask for another chance to be well for every relationship I cherish. For my gifts from G-d. My family, my husband and my kids. Please G-d, lift me up over this pain and carry me to the other side. I need strength, I need to cycle. And run. And spin.

And in the aftermath you will see that I am better off that way. Where sadness doesn't taste so much like buttered bread.