A Breath Of Diet Coke

You can't breath and then your breathing. Its that moment in between, when you know you should just hold on... and in.
...and out.
You shock me. Little pulses, so often- I feel beaten, when others think it can't really be that bad.
Oh, but it is.
Suck it in?
I wish I could.
I sometimes mind travel back to the beginning and I hate myself for letting myself go.
It was all for you.
Maybe not, but its easier to blame someone.
To point out and not in.
To find the time to catch my breath.
The one you took, take, keep on taking.
The takers.
I am your addiction.
You keep on coming back.
Like diet cokes.
....and I try, I really, really try.

So Raw

Motherhood is risky business. You doubt yourself. Often.
The risk is in the quick movements, when you act on instinct rather then thoughts.
I instinctively thought it was a good idea to remove her from the store,
but I thought I could still find a toy, stand in line and pay.

The thinking can get you down.
Then looked down upon.
Then hurting in your left arm because your balancing you baby and dragging one toddler and one "should have known better" across the parking lot.
But, you have the gifted toy.

Ahh... the price of shopping for someone other then your own children.
In their faces.
But, I remember window shopping and hoping I would be gifted.
Nowadays it's all MINE! MINE! MINE!

And the mother of all loads is carrying the kids into this world and on her shoulders right through it.

I cry for the mistakes I have made and will make.
For the mess I am making of my kids.
But, I am learning that in my tears is the answer.
In my tears is the prayer I need to hang on.
Sometimes I think I am doing it all right,
so it must be that right for me- is supposed to be all wrong.
And sometimes I have it so very wrong-
that only G-d could possible be making this so right.

I was crying today, a bit from disappointment and allot from just sheer humiliation,
but then I smiled,
knowing if I was feeling those emotions-
then that was EXACTLY what I was supposed to be feeling today.

Well Intended, My Friend

How do you know I'm that pathetic?
I didn't see you at the mall... but did you see me?
I was leafing through racks of clothing for my daughters.
In all sorts of pastel shades.
I was in black.
Silly pathetic girl.
But, you still attack me.
Almost barking when you see me.
I know it.
I know it so well that I try not to move when you come-a-knocking.
I try not to draw attention to myself.
If I have to bend down or turn around- I just save it for later.
Today you followed me up the stairs.
In my mind, I imagined you were noticing all my flaws.
butt, back, legs, shoes. Head to toe.
Then, I convinced myself I was judging you...
and I stopped.

But, oh- how you continued!
At the top of the stairs you said my legs looked swollen.
No matter how hard I tried to move away from the conversation- you backed me in.
"OK, you got me," I should have sad. "Me, Fat. I never knew!"
But, instead I let your words fall on me like little accusations.

Uncared for...

You do know they are just swollen feet?
(even though I still think they aren't)
Feet?

What about my feelings?
How do you know I'm that pathetic- that I will take it all.
And more.
Whatever you have to give me.

Tonight, though- my sister rallied for me.
Granted you were gone by then.
But she said the sort of things sisters say.

My sister, my family- build a fortress around me,
but your greatest of insults, aimed well and intended for me-
make it through.

Congratulations!

I Love You Always

I am strong.
So they say.
Like paper towels soaking up spills.
How does it do that?
My daughter flipped her yogurt on the floor.
I said I would mop it up- but I bounty'd it.
Those commercials aren't kidding...
Two paper towels and the mess was gone.
That strong!


I am carrying the weight of my world.
Around my middle.
I now it makes me look weak- but I am strong.
I take care of my own kids. I sow, I plant-
I watch them grow faster then I can care for them.
Grilled cheese for breakfast has turned into lunches packed for school.
They grow
and I watch.

Nobody, I tell them, loves them like I love them.
Nobody loves like a Mommy loves.

I love them always when,
and,
even if...

The strongest of loves.

Just Saying

I love you better.

I'm not comparing. Just saying.

The kids aren't asleep. I am sleepy.

The long weekend, was neither long nor weekend like.

You were gone and in your absence I doubted you.

Like never before and never again.

You are,

the softest, quietest, sweetest morning man.

Barefoot,

walking out of our room, my dreams...

and I don't think I was awake, untill I saw you.

In Capri pants I knew you would look great in.

newly shaved head, and if you are gone

then your pillow still has your scent and it is free.

and mine.

You are who I will always aspire to be.

Forgiving.

Kind.

Loyal.

Fierce.

And when we argue-

right.

Where Emails Go To Die

I wrote you an email. Then I erased it.
You can forget me. But, the girls wont let you.
I tease you only to reseal you.
They come in, then out- and growing up is quick when you don't have the time to notice.
I like long weekends and wonderland.
I like the smell of suntan lotion.
I see your look and its not amusing.
I wrote it all, but then I erased it.
But, I believe that you know better.
Maybe even, it all.
Long weekends are for family.