Anything To Let Go

It's all here.
All the proof of no longer being twenty.
I read about a woman who married six times and had two great loves.
neither of whom she married.

I can't get her life out of my head.
Was she ever twenty like me?
The twenty I thought would last forever?

Sure, age would sneak itself onto me and cast frown lines across my face,
but my heart I believed,
would beat wild forever.

Now my heart seems to pause before every beat.
I overwork my heart.
My emotions.
My hormones that make me scream angry woman angst when the showers are so hot-
that even I wonder if I let go of that yell.

I wonder about that woman and if six times was really enough to forget the two men she never married.

Or better yet, was it enough to make the men feel forgotten?

I will always believe that in the light my life shines,
it casts hues on my leftover men.
Their limbs waving wildly at me.
Not to love me, because G-d knows I am unlovable.
But just to hold me.
To make me know friendship.
To make me look up from their tight embrace and catch their eyes loving me.
"your true friend," they would whisper, "Knows you can do anything."

Is "anything" like the feeling I had today when my grandmother who survived world war two asked me to lose some of my excess weight.
To allow myself to shine through my skins.
Is "anything" like holding onto a past so fanciful, so full of footwork,
that even i feel winded by the memory?

And you.
What about you?
Will you always call me into play?
Will I always retreat into my heart?

Is "anything" ever going to feel like the right choice to me?
Is diet coke really the safest drink to be swallowing?
Should I ask for water?

Do I believe if I turned back the heavy handles of time- I would choose freely this time?
Free of what?
What does "anything" really cost?
and how much does it weigh?