Untouchable

I have changed,

but I look the same to you.

I must sound the same,

because you do.

I don't let you see my weakness even though my body tells on me.

I blink and hide my tears.

I eat ten meals a day

and chew on my hate.

I hate myself  like you must  hate me.

Passionately.

Painfully.

Last night I stayed up thinking of some of my favorite moments.

The images were so fun to hold,

to hug.

Then I tried remembering my last few years.

I had some award winning moments,

but the strangest things happened...

in all my snapshots of the last few years...

I can not see myself.

It scared me.

I tried to concentrate and see myself.

But I wasn't there.

Today I told my mother, my best friend,

and she told me it's because I don't do anything for myself.

But,

I don't think that's true.

Everything I do for my kids, is for me.

It brings me an unparalleled joy.

I shiver,

I have not gone in photos in the last couple of years.

Its so strange that even in my mind there are no proofs.

I have changed.

And I am waiting to change more.

When you change,

do you think? Is it possible?

You will change and notice me?

Hide and No Seek

I have lost it.

Completely. Totally.

I don't even know where to find it. Or what it would look like.

I know I look lost,

but it's because I am.

I came here looking for somebody, and found you.

And then, I forgot who it was I was looking for.

Remind me what the past looked like.

Where worry was one chord of a string of things,

not this.

High strung and holding shoe laces in my hands.

Remind me why you have forgotten us?

Why when I am crying and lost-

you can not help me.

Because I know you remember.

You have forgotten us.

I see you.

You have it all. The keys to start ignitions,

the memory of how it all was

and on your lips you have the words to bring me back.

But you have forgotten us,

and you forgotten me.

I am so lost that I am losing hope of ever being found.

I know you don't have the time,

but please, if someone comes looking for me...

I know my mother will, mothers never give up-

please...

show them where I am hiding.