Grief and Grumblings

Half a sobeys cake. Guilt ridden in margarine. The way my sadness feels on empty is very different then it feels on full. I can watch my kids, and spend my days moving forward. But, every night I lie awake and know I have never left that hospital room.

I'm moving backwards now. Because I can't bare to go forward without you.

I love you, have loved you, will always love you well.

I look at my youngest daughter and feel that she was loved by you. They all were. All my girls are stamped with your love.

I notice things about them that you pointed out. That you loved about them.

They were so lucky and blessed to have you as their aunt. 

I tell them stories about you.

The littlest one says you need to redo her nail polish because it is chipping off.

You know, when I think of you, I think you did it all in 34 years.

I have perfect memories of you. Not one bad. Not one mediocre. Only perfect ones.

You were such a light in this world. We were gifted just by being related to you.

You brought our family closer together.

I work backwards.

This last trip in New york, you were soaring. You felt the holiness you were soon going to be apart of. You were so energetic, you were not sick. You weren't! The doctors told you that you were sick, but your mind was so beautifully free of all the labels on your medicine. You were full of belief. 

I sing your songs now.

I don't know all the words, and my voice isn't as sweet. I am not as peaceful nor as loving as you, but I find myself humming your songs. Singing your praise.

And you would smile, because I notice your other siblings are doing the same.

We love you so much.

I want you to feel it. I want you to look down and know how loved you are.

That we are searching through pictures, memories and letters from you just as any family would.

But....

we are different.

We have your strength, your beautiful faith, your complete trust in Hashem-

we have that still.

Its yours!

And we are holding onto it and not letting it go.

My sister,

I would love to go backwards and have been more caring. More giving. A better sister to you.

It is so cruel to have to go forward without you.

So sad.

Unbearably hard.

Please look down and see me trying for you.