Untouchable

I have changed,

but I look the same to you.

I must sound the same,

because you do.

I don't let you see my weakness even though my body tells on me.

I blink and hide my tears.

I eat ten meals a day

and chew on my hate.

I hate myself  like you must  hate me.

Passionately.

Painfully.

Last night I stayed up thinking of some of my favorite moments.

The images were so fun to hold,

to hug.

Then I tried remembering my last few years.

I had some award winning moments,

but the strangest things happened...

in all my snapshots of the last few years...

I can not see myself.

It scared me.

I tried to concentrate and see myself.

But I wasn't there.

Today I told my mother, my best friend,

and she told me it's because I don't do anything for myself.

But,

I don't think that's true.

Everything I do for my kids, is for me.

It brings me an unparalleled joy.

I shiver,

I have not gone in photos in the last couple of years.

Its so strange that even in my mind there are no proofs.

I have changed.

And I am waiting to change more.

When you change,

do you think? Is it possible?

You will change and notice me?