Thought I Heard You Cry

Sadness built itself up in me. It wasn't always beneath the surface.
"I am uncharacteristically, boldly, unequivocally sad. That's how I feel." I said. Then I piled towels and water bottles into a stroller and went to watch my kids swim.
I am dressed in black, but my insides are palmed, falling in tears down my face.
I think the saddest thoughts and then I think about you.
I pull at my black tee shirt, I imagine it off.
I would swim the length of the pool and then back.
I would stay under and hold my breath till I knew my kids were searching for me,
then I would reappear and smile.
"I tricked you." I would say and we would laugh.
I am so painfully dry, it hurts when you enter.
I watch the kids swim and marvel at the water.
I stay dry, sane, and then sad hits me.
I wipe at my eyes,
I read my book even though the page is blurry.
I hide.
Sadness built itself carefully, so as not to stir any attention.
And my mother and husband say, "let it all out..."
But, I haven't the chance to.
I bottle my emotions back up,
I press pause,
then rewind...
and wait for someone to play me again.