Not Going Anywhere Fast

It's a vacation, Damn it!
It implies things. I want to run my hands through my hair and then I remember it's not my hair. I want to tell you to get lost, but then I can't find my voice. You make me something I am not. Over and over again. I don't recognize myself when I am telling you things. I put myself in so many places and always down.
Everyone has a somebody and I am yours. Well yours and anyone Else's. I don't play games. I just lose them. First the pieces, then the box. Then I just stand there- with the instructions, and look over the french side. It's easier to not understand what they want from you.
What don't they want from me?
I feel like they will take what ever they can. My peace. My time. My solitude. My motherhood. I am nothing but who they need me to be at that moment.
It is something I was looking forward to.
Now back.
I try and remember how I felt before this.
I felt like I was planning something and it was so unique and different- because this thing I was planning was for me.
Now, it is for everyone but me.
I think at times I know my worth,
I see it in the way I am pushed and pulled on.
Pennies really.
And who counts the pennies,
when all the other coins look so shiny and new.