So Raw

Motherhood is risky business. You doubt yourself. Often.
The risk is in the quick movements, when you act on instinct rather then thoughts.
I instinctively thought it was a good idea to remove her from the store,
but I thought I could still find a toy, stand in line and pay.

The thinking can get you down.
Then looked down upon.
Then hurting in your left arm because your balancing you baby and dragging one toddler and one "should have known better" across the parking lot.
But, you have the gifted toy.

Ahh... the price of shopping for someone other then your own children.
In their faces.
But, I remember window shopping and hoping I would be gifted.
Nowadays it's all MINE! MINE! MINE!

And the mother of all loads is carrying the kids into this world and on her shoulders right through it.

I cry for the mistakes I have made and will make.
For the mess I am making of my kids.
But, I am learning that in my tears is the answer.
In my tears is the prayer I need to hang on.
Sometimes I think I am doing it all right,
so it must be that right for me- is supposed to be all wrong.
And sometimes I have it so very wrong-
that only G-d could possible be making this so right.

I was crying today, a bit from disappointment and allot from just sheer humiliation,
but then I smiled,
knowing if I was feeling those emotions-
then that was EXACTLY what I was supposed to be feeling today.