If I close my eyes tight enough and lie very still on my back- I can pretend I am alone. Even lonely. I can pretend the noise I hear, the clutter I'm surrounded in, the mess I've made, is not mine. I can make myself feel so secluded, that when I finally open my eyes- I'm startled to see anyone there. Certainly not my own kids. And 3. All girls. Oh, wow!
Today I drove downtown and on my way I saw some men struggling to put up a giant tent, on my way home it was standing, all white, strong and unable to move against the wind. The men weren't around anymore. The tent was up and gone was the struggle that the rain had seemed to make for the men.
I open my eyes sometimes and no one knows I have tried so hard to shut them from my surroundings. To not see the looks or the stares. Sure, I hear- but "they" say seeing is believing. I try not to believe what they say. I try to close my eyes.
When I open them, you seem certain I have never cried. You seem to think I had no great struggle. But I did. I just built myself up before you came driving back down.
Promise me, I'll never go that far downtown again.
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